this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
