I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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