I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
