Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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