I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
