I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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