Umm I'm too high to move.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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