Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
