watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
