we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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