Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
