I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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