I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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