I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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