sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
