I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
