In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
