I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You made out with two different species that night
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
