we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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