when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
And then my night got REAL pukey
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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