my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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