Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We smell like vodka and hangover
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