The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
In America we eat man semen.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You ruined the universe
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
