uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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