rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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