I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
