Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Then you guys just all showered together...?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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