so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
