So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
