I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
