My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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