i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
