I CAN MOONWALK!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He kissed a someone with a penis
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
