I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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