Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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