I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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