dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
