Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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