Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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