its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
