my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
