Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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