I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
