Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
