I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
