I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Damn victory sex feels great
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