My hand turned me down
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
