Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
