He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
