Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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