I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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