Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
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