i'm signing you up for texting rehab
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
