There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
