Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
