I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
