If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
