I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
